Flash Fiction: “Breakers” by K.V.Clements

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. As someone who has sat suicide watch, who suffers from suicidal ideation when depression gets too bad, and who almost became a suicide statistic, this is very important to me.

In 2019, I participated in Story-A-Day in September, challenging myself to write a piece of flash fiction (a story under 1,000 words long) each day. This story, based on a real incident, was written on September 24, 2019.

“Breakers”

by K. V. Clements

The ground is never as soft as it looks. But that didn’t make it any less inviting. Surely chance to fly, if only for a moment, is worth the cost of hitting the earth.

That’s what I tell myself. But the ape part of me, the one that survived millions of years of evolution, is not convinced. And besides, I’m at my favorite place in the world. Why would I kill myself, here, by my beloved ocean?

I look out. I spared no expense getting the best room for my final view. Dawn is just breaking, the bright gold of the sun glinting on the water. The start of a new, cloudless day. I can hear the roar of the breaking surf. Breaking. Just like me.

The once-comforting sound dulls. I feel the reverberations of the waves pound me into tiny, jagged shards of shell. The tide is endless, remorseless, crushing and grinding, day in and day out. That is all I can look forward to. That is all there is or ever will be.

The ape-self recedes, beaten into submission by the tide. I look back at the ground. These bars, secure enough for a toddler, are no match for my adult self.

I can do it.

I will do it.

I glance out one last time at the sand, the sea, the sun. And my tide stops.

Dolphins. I see them breaking out of the water, their dark, wet backs glistening in the sunlight. A whole pod straddles the divide between ocean and air. They are swimming, but also flying. They possess both fins and wings, sharing the realms of fish and fowl and reveling in both. They do this with an un-self-conscious joy, because they can, because it is what they are meant to do.

With the sun behind them, I can see the spray as they blow out the old, stale air and suck in a fresh breath. I watch them, holding my breath with them, only releasing when they do in a blast of spray.

Out.

In.

Hold.

Out.

In.

Hold.

Out.

In.

I feel my old, stale thoughts fade with each breath I share with my sea-sibs. Like the waves, like me, the dolphins are breaking. But unlike the waves, which break with a grand white foam cacophony, then disappear, the dolphins are breaking into. They become something more, something grand and beautiful, yet so simple, vanishing only for a moment back into their element before returning. Whole.

Shall I be a dolphin or a wave?

I take another breath and step back from the rail.

Thank you for reading!

If you or someone you know needs help,
there are mental health resources available:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Suicide Prevention Lifeline Online:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

SAMHSA Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration:
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

#BeThe1To:
https://www.bethe1to.com/

Mental Health First Aid:
https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/mental-health-resources/

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”The Cat’s Cradle” Is On Hiatus!

Greetings to my readers!

In June 2011, I ventured online with my brand new author website The Cat’s Cradle on Blogspot. In March 2013, I moved my site and all its contents to WordPress. And now, in June 2021, almost ten years to the day since my first entry, The Cat’s Cradle is going on hiatus.

Continue reading “”The Cat’s Cradle” Is On Hiatus!” →

Prepping For Change

Audio Edition Coming… soon?

After working in a public library for 10 years, I’m faced with the stark reality that I will have to leave. And soon. I don’t want to uproot myself like this because I am very dedicated to my job that the community I serve. But unless something drastic happens, like a major pay raise or hitting the lottery, I’ll have no choice.

I’ve been fortunate. By living with my family, I’ve been able to live on a wage below what I would need to survive on my own for several years. But my brothers are starting to seek out new opportunities elsewhere, and I do not have the physical or financial capability to take care of our house by myself. Soon we’ll have to sell it and I will have to find a new place. Renting an apartment is out; not only are they ridiculously expensive, but there is no place that will allow me to have five cats. Buying a house is a remote possibility, but the places that are the right size to me tend to be in the 1950s-style, and those are so old that they would require maintenance that I have not the time, knowledge, or money to complete.

What I hope to do is purchase a small piece of land (1-2 acres) and build a small house on it (around 1200 square feet). It doesn’t seem like much, and yet I don’t know if I’ll be able to realize that dream, or maintain it if I do somehow scrape up enough pennies for it. I don’t plan on ever having a significant other who could help with bills, and my introverted nature makes a roommate an intolerable proposition. But when you try to get a credit card approved to try to build credit so you’ll be ready to take out a loan but are denied because you make too little… getting to that point is a major problem. And when you are constantly battling yourself because of depression, obesity, and a deep sense of self-loathing because you haven’t done anything creative in two years… well, it’s even harder.

Some days I’ve hopeful, doing research on building options to see how much money I need, laying out blueprints and designs for what I want. Other days I am nearly crippled with the overwhelming sense that all of this is hopeless and I’ll never be able to finance this, not without utterly sacrificing my mental and physical well-being (not to mention any notion of free time) by taking on two or three jobs.

On top of all of this, I haven’t been writing. I just feel utterly exhausted by everything and yet simultaneously feel like I have no right to feel that way. I’m not special. People change jobs all the time. There’s no reason why my life would be any different, that I wouldn’t have to struggle to make ends meet like so many other Americans, that I’d be earning below the living wage for my state in a field that is considered essential to the average person but is always first on the chopping block when it comes to budget cuts.

Sorry this is such a downer, but I haven’t felt very optimistic lately. Things might turn around unexpectedly, but the current trajectory is not encouraging.

Just a reminder that The Cat’s Cradle will be going on hiatus soon! June 28, 2021 will be my last entry for a while, and I’ll lay out what to expect going forward there. See you in 2 weeks.

Erased

Audio Editing Coming… Soon?

I want to state right up front that the story I’m about to share does not compare to the erasure that many people, especially minorities, feel due to the lack of representation, be it in media, politics, career paths, etc. This is a small sliver that gets me a little closer to understanding how that feels, but is not comparable in terms of the systemic harm and degradation far too many other people face.

If any of you have been reading the last few blog entries, you’ll know that during the Covid-19 pandemic I’ve felt very gaslit by the majority of my family whom I live with. It felt like I was the only one taking the pandemic and the recommended precautions seriously, that all of my concerns were hand-waved away, and while they would comment on my increasing distress and depression, no real steps were actually made to ease that state of affairs. This has led to a great deal of strain and a has taken a severe toll on my mental health.

Continue reading “Erased” →

Glimmers

Sorry for the long silence on The Cat’s Cradle. It’s been really hard to do anything even remotely creative and the months of February and March are both long and tedious. Winter draws fitfully to a close while Spring teases and flirts with us, giving tantalizing glimpses of warmth and sunlight.

I’ve been on new antidepressants for about two weeks now. So far no major side effects aside from a little nausea the first few days. But in those two weeks it’s been warm enough for me to take some limited walks, and I’ve actually managed to establish a morning routine. It doesn’t include writing yet, but it’s still a step in the right direction. Provided this horrific ritual of Daylight Savings Time doesn’t blow it all to hell, which it felt like today. (My internal clock and circadian rhythm are very sensitive to time changes and DST messes me up for at least a week, whether it’s “adding” and hour or “taking” one away.) Seriously, this is the dumbest, most useless ritual ever that does no good and a great deal of harm… SO WHY ARE WE STILL DOING IT?! (Fortunately, there seems to be increasing support to make DST permanent so we wouldn’t have to change our clocks back in the fall and then forward again in the spring.)

So, routine. I kind of have one, at least for the morning. I’m actually getting out of bed rather than collapsing back into it after feeding the cats. I’m getting basic chores done a little more regularly, although most of those hadn’t slipped too badly thanks to my reliance on listening to podcasts, YouTube videos, and audiobooks to get through the day. I’ve been reading at least one book a week, usually two, and established a nice Sunday tradition of Tea Time with a Candle, Beverage, and Book, which you can see on my Twitter feed if you’re interested. Sundays are my super-chillax day, so nothing gets done and I do my best not to feel guilty about it and remind myself that self-care is not selfish.

While I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch new movies or TV shows (even ones that I do want to see), I have been playing through Diablo III: Reaper of Souls as the female Monk. (I’ve already beaten it as the female Wizard, but after seeing the trailer for Diablo II: Resurrected, in addition to the announcement of Diablo IV, I really wanted to play.) There’s something very therapeutic and cathartic about punching demons to death with your fists.

Part of me desperately wants to be writing right now, but a far larger part of me is either too scared or too depressed to make the attempt. I’ll still try to poke at projects and do a little work on things, but it’s sporadic and probably will be for a while. I don’t like it, but that is my current reality and it will take small, cumulative changes and improvements to become creative and productive again.

Almost 12 Months Into COVID-19

Audio Edition Coming Soon!

Photo by Yaroslav Danylchenko from Pexels

In mid-February 2020, the community room at the library was festooned in red and yellow for our Chinese New Year event. There were crafts like paper lanterns and koi kites, games like Majong and Chinese checkers, traditional lunar new year treats like sunflower seeds and dates. There was even a calligraphy set for the kids to practice with. It was one of our biggest and most successful library events, and the first of many fun activities we had planned.

I had no idea it would be our last in-person library event for over a year.

Continue reading “Almost 12 Months Into COVID-19” →

Broken Record

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As Winter Storm Orlena sweeps through the northwest, I am comfortably ensconced in my library, watching the snow come down, with a stack of books from the James Asher series by Barbara Hambly beside me.

Since my last post, I have gotten even less done than the little I had managed to do before. Each week my living quarters dissolves into a chaos of dirty clothes and scattered papers. I spend the weekend putting myself back together only to repeat the process next week. This weekend in particular I spent mostly sleeping and haven’t even managed to get those basic tasks done. I feel like each week I need an additional week to recover, and I’m not sure how to break out of this insidious cycle.

Continue reading “Broken Record” →

Derailed & Despondent But Not Deterred

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Soooo…. remember my post “Making Things Happen” from two weeks ago? Yeah, I’ve already been derailed. Kind of. I’ve been working on the Faylinn organization and upload to World Anvil, although it hasn’t been as regular. I’ve been lifting my weights, although that too has not been regular.

But honestly, right now, I’m an emotional wreck.

Continue reading “Derailed & Despondent But Not Deterred” →

Writing During Covid-19

Audio Edition Coming Soon!

I thought I could do it.

And for about nine days I did. Consistently.

But then the fatigue set in and the stress from external pressures began to mount and so here I am, in the final week of National Novel Writing Month, 8000+ words behind where I should be. A few times the writing has been fun or enjoyable, but mostly its been a slog and I’ve used scraps of “author laments” to pad out the word count enough so that I am updating my word count every day, even if I don’t reach the goal.

Why has this been so hard?

Continue reading “Writing During Covid-19” →

Book Balls, Fan Fiction, & Other Endeavors

Audio Edition Coming Soon!

Today is the last day of my vacation. Yes, I took a vacation because the low-level but persistent stress of 2020 gets tough to deal with, and fortunately, I’m in a position to actually have and use some of that accrued time.

I kicked off my vacation with the #FCPLBookBall, a virtual library fundraiser where you make a monetary donation to the library to “attend” and then just sit and read all day. It was, in a word, glorious. I highly recommend curling up someplace quiet and comfy with one of those “10 hours of ocean waves” tracks from YouTube running in the background. Since I can’t go to the beach this year, this was the closest equivalent, and it actually worked very well:

Books, pillows, tea, candle, cat, soothing ocean waves in the background… Time to settle in for the #FCPLBookBall! ^_^ #bookworm #amreading #ILikeToParty #AndByPartyIMeanReadBooks (2020-08-15 @kvclements)

I’m going to have to try to do something like this once a month or something, a dedicated “Read & Relaxation” day. It worked wonders to help calm and recenter myself. (Also, Saturday August 22nd was the Ray Bradbury Centennial, and there’s a Read-a-Thon of Fahrenheit 451 available to stream until September 5th if you want to check it out!)

Continue reading “Book Balls, Fan Fiction, & Other Endeavors” →