Audio Edition Coming… soon?
After working in a public library for 10 years, I’m faced with the stark reality that I will have to leave. And soon. I don’t want to uproot myself like this because I am very dedicated to my job that the community I serve. But unless something drastic happens, like a major pay raise or hitting the lottery, I’ll have no choice.
I’ve been fortunate. By living with my family, I’ve been able to live on a wage below what I would need to survive on my own for several years. But my brothers are starting to seek out new opportunities elsewhere, and I do not have the physical or financial capability to take care of our house by myself. Soon we’ll have to sell it and I will have to find a new place. Renting an apartment is out; not only are they ridiculously expensive, but there is no place that will allow me to have five cats. Buying a house is a remote possibility, but the places that are the right size to me tend to be in the 1950s-style, and those are so old that they would require maintenance that I have not the time, knowledge, or money to complete.
What I hope to do is purchase a small piece of land (1-2 acres) and build a small house on it (around 1200 square feet). It doesn’t seem like much, and yet I don’t know if I’ll be able to realize that dream, or maintain it if I do somehow scrape up enough pennies for it. I don’t plan on ever having a significant other who could help with bills, and my introverted nature makes a roommate an intolerable proposition. But when you try to get a credit card approved to try to build credit so you’ll be ready to take out a loan but are denied because you make too little… getting to that point is a major problem. And when you are constantly battling yourself because of depression, obesity, and a deep sense of self-loathing because you haven’t done anything creative in two years… well, it’s even harder.
Some days I’ve hopeful, doing research on building options to see how much money I need, laying out blueprints and designs for what I want. Other days I am nearly crippled with the overwhelming sense that all of this is hopeless and I’ll never be able to finance this, not without utterly sacrificing my mental and physical well-being (not to mention any notion of free time) by taking on two or three jobs.
On top of all of this, I haven’t been writing. I just feel utterly exhausted by everything and yet simultaneously feel like I have no right to feel that way. I’m not special. People change jobs all the time. There’s no reason why my life would be any different, that I wouldn’t have to struggle to make ends meet like so many other Americans, that I’d be earning below the living wage for my state in a field that is considered essential to the average person but is always first on the chopping block when it comes to budget cuts.
Sorry this is such a downer, but I haven’t felt very optimistic lately. Things might turn around unexpectedly, but the current trajectory is not encouraging.
Just a reminder that The Cat’s Cradle will be going on hiatus soon! June 28, 2021 will be my last entry for a while, and I’ll lay out what to expect going forward there. See you in 2 weeks.