Derailed & Despondent But Not Deterred

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Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

Soooo…. remember my post “Making Things Happen” from two weeks ago? Yeah, I’ve already been derailed. Kind of. I’ve been working on the Faylinn organization and upload to World Anvil, although it hasn’t been as regular. I’ve been lifting my weights, although that too has not been regular.

But honestly, right now, I’m an emotional wreck.

Thanks to the riots at the Capitol, the conspiracy-motivated prepping happening at my house, and the unexpected discovery and rescue of an abandoned kitten that needed immediate medical attention last Tuesday, my anxiety has shot through the roof. Like, I’ve known I’ve had clinical depression for a long time, but I never thought of myself as having Anxiety(TM). But these last two weeks I’ve been having heart palpitations and near-panic-attack levels of tightness in my chest, loops of catastrophic thinking, and just an unrelenting sense of everything spiraling out of control. Not to mention a sense of futility and growing frustration at work as we try to continue virtual programming for patrons who are already sick of being online. (I probably should go on medication for depression again, and add something for anxiety if I don’t manage to calm myself down.)

And we’re only halfway through January 2021!

There are a few bright spots though:

  • That rescued kitten I mentioned? She’s on the road to recovery after three days under observation and care at the vet’s office, and already has a new home with a very loving mommy to take care of her! Several people have expressed a desire to help how they can with the modest medical bills, which is amazing and we are extremely grateful! Her name is currently Xena because she’s such a fighter. ^_^
  • I got a personal copy of Courting the Moon printed, just so I could have a hard copy that wasn’t just a bunch of loose pages in a binder, and it really made my day. (I’m not posting any pictures of it because I don’t want it to be mistaken for a self-published book. I’m still hoping to get it published traditionally through an official publisher with an agent.)
  • That personal print experiment also gave me the push I needed to buckle down and finish writing all the routes of Story Quest, which was part of a virtual program for my library job. While the majority of my work I want to have traditionally published, I now plan to use Story Quest as a self-publishing experiment, since I don’t have as much emotional attachment to it. The plan is to finish writing all of the routes, edit it, and actually sell copies through the Barnes & Noble self-publishing, hopefully by the end of this year. I still have to do research on the ins and outs of that, but keep your eyes peeled for announcements and updates about its release!
  • Like pretty much every other Star Wars fan right now, I love The Mandalorian so much and will probably rewatch Season 2 very soon because it is just so damn pure and heartwarming AND I NEED SOME JOY IN MY LIFE, OKAY.
  • While I haven’t been able to read as much during the week, I have been reading at least one book every weekend as a form of recharging, and so far they’ve all been quite good. (See my Goodreads list for more details.)
  • I… do keep buying more literary candles from Frostbeard Studio… because the scents are awesome and candles are a nice little luxury. (Right now I’m burning a candle called “Frost King” which combines the scents of Wintergreen & Icy Breeze.)
  • January 14th was the 10-year anniversary of me being hired as a library branch assistant. Wow… Time flies, am I right?
  • My senior cat Diego had an eye infection during the holidays that was so bad I thought he’d need surgery to remove the eye. But he recovered and is doing very well with no surgery necessary! Hooray!

So… yeah, even in times like this there are silver linings, even if they’re just small, personal ones. It can be difficult to claw your way out of the dark… but I’m working on it.

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